Good News and Challenging News, Aug 2019

Hi everyone.

Wanted to use email to deliver some news quickly to everyone all at once and then talk to you individually later. I’m doing a detox today and tonight which is tiring and I will be more available to chat tomorrow, Sunday, next week, etc. Oh, and btw, feel free to share this email with anyone and everyone who might need or want to see it. I’ve still got no secrets about my journey. And there are some people whose emails i don’t have since I might connect with them only via text or Facebook. Plus I may have forgotten some emails. I’m sleepy!

So, some really good news, slightly good news and a bit of a challenge/opportunity.

Really Good news- No metastases in my spine or bones. Yay! I had a full-body bone scan Tuesday and the aches I’ve been feeling in my spine recently are arthritis. Exercise makes it feel better.  I’m new to arthritis so I’ll find out how to work with it in a healthy way soon.

Good ish news – think of something the size of an uncooked lentil or a black peppercorn, about 4mm, a stage 1 type of size. That’s the size of the lump that was found on an MRI last week. Its located near the original lumpectomy scar.

Challenging opportunity news: the small lump is a cancer recurrence. This was discovered from a biopsy taken on Tuesday. Its likely the same type as was removed before- triple negative breast cancer. Known territory.

So. How do I feel physically?

Actually and ironically, I’d been feeling happy, stronger, more energized and fit. I’ve been feeling positive and optimistic for a long time too. I still do. I don’t feel sick or symptomatic at all.

Does this happen to cancer patients?

  Yes. Recurrence happens, esp near the original scar. Its another chapter. Another opportunity. Another beginning. With almost 2 years of nothing but positive results doing what I’ve been doing, I’ve got the evidence and knowledge to chug along w confidence.

Do I regret anything?  Would I change anything?

– In terms of taking the integrative approach, no way. Absolutely not. I love my decisions, my path. The quality of my life these 2 years has been utterly fantastic, vibrantly healthy and symptom-free. Who would change that?  Not me.

– However, I can and will tighten up my food program. I had allowed myself more carbs and cooked foods in the last 6 months, perhaps spurred on by only having had good news for 18 months of tests! But now its time to go back to less carbs and even more raw veggies. My food is my medicine, not my fun. Fine by me.

What’s next?

-An upper body CT scan on Monday 8/19/19, 8am, to make sure there’s no cancer recurrence/metastases in the soft tissues in the upper body.

– a blood test on Monday too. Testing for cancer markers for the onco surgeon, and hopefully a metabolic panel, etc, for the integrative oncologist.

– Then, choices to make once CT and blood results are known: First, talk to my integrative oncologist: lumpectomy, or  mastectomy or…?

– Also, ask her what treatment plan is best for recurrence, given my budget.

– I won’t do chemotherapy or radiation, not unless there are circumstances under which my integrative oncologist says its considered truly effective and safe, short term and long -term.  I won’t destroy my immune system- its strong now and my first line of defense.

– I’ll keep doing my jobs. I love them and they keep me fit, happy, of service, and  even distracted!

My feelings about all this?

To be honest, lots of varieties. Lots of thoughts too:

-Hopeful sometimes- “You know, I shrank the lump last time within 3 weeks of starting integrative oncology protocols! And that lump was 5 times as big. There’s no reason I can’t do it again!”

-very often neutral yet proactive- “What’s the next right thing to do? How can I do so calmly and expeditiously?”

-Angry sometimes- “How! Why! my onco doctor never told me my particular blood tests weren’t the only indicator of likelihood of recurrence- why not?”

-Some denial, avoidance- “I just wish this wasn’t happening again. Wish I could escape somewhere.”

-Confused often- “how can this have come back? I don’t understand and I want to. Did I miss something? Is this random or a result of something?”

-Disappointed- “I thought I was only headed toward healing. Thought I’d only ever have positive results.“

-Tired sometimes- “wish i could take a break from all this. Wish I could relax and not be so vigilant.”

-Doubting or Foolish sometimes- “Was I being polyannish in being so optimistic about being nearly done w my healing journey? Did I have blinders on somehow?”

-Some longing and fantasizing- “Maybe this will go away “Anita Moorjani style”, ie, by miracle. By positive thinking. Praying.”

– Sad, discouraged  sometimes- “I’ve worked so hard. This sucks. I feel betrayed somehow. “

-Even embarrassed- “why can’t I be the straight A cancer patient? The one with only good news forever? Will my friends, family, or followers feel crestfallen, worried, shaken, heavy, pittying? Wish I didn’t have to share an imperfect report this time.“

News like this is a bit heavy, I know. But, funny thing, I don’t feel that heavy. Sure, I grieve, and will grieve, but in so doing I then move toward simple acceptance, and even optimism again. This happens to lots of people after all. Lots of people overcome. I’m educated now. I’m not as scared now. I’m full of trust, even faith. I hope you will join me in those feelings, after the possible shock of the news has mellowed a bit. I know once I get these final CT and blood results and can move on to next actions, I’ll feel even clearer and more purposeful. Plus I’ve got so much support- emotional, spiritual, psychological, physical, social. My god I’m lucky. So fortunate. Paradoxical I know, but I really feel that way.

Well that’s it for now. As always, I’m open to questions, comments, or whatever you feel moved to share. I hope to help myself as much as be helpful to others, if I can. It provides much meaning to my journey. Feel free to call, vm, text, email (or not!) as the spirit moves. I’m not shy.

Huge hugs

Bev